People who have known me for a long time know that I can be prone to becoming a bit of a jaded and cynical crank sometimes. I do my best to keep my inner grumpy old man in check but lately it's been a serious challenge. While last term was scholarly sunshine and roses, this term is proving to be a dose of everything I hated about my previous degree experience. And it's making me cranky.
When I started this degree in September, I worried that this would happen. I had hoped that my enthusiasm for learning would overpower my disdain for bureaucracy and waste and that my young at heart spirit would be enough to keep me from wanting to tear the heads off of my younger classmates. My optimism, it seems, was misplaced.
It started with the textbook outrage and has spiraled from there. I'm officially the cranky mature student in almost all of my classes. I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut anymore when I hear some of the ridiculous things that emerge from the mouths of my youthful classmates. I always have a contrary opinion. I don't just play the devil's advocate; no, in some of these classes, I AM the devil's advocate. I find the lectures patronizing and shallow. In other words, I've turned into a heinous harpy of a student. Part of me is horrified at myself for turning into the type of student I hated when I was young. The other part of me has left all of her 'give-a-shit' at home.
Being the grumpy mature student has its strange advantages. At the very least it's a reminder to myself that I am still engaged, even if it is in a kind of negative way. Cranky irritation is, in my mind at least, preferable to complete indifference. And as a mature student, I have the confidence to be the devil's advocate and not care what my classmates think of it. I can tell the little shits to can their chit chat when I'm trying to listen to a terribly shallow lecture without caring that they probably think I'm a witch with a capital B. It's pretty liberating. For me, at least. Everyone else probably wants to club me.
So I'm trying to do the mature thing and temper my extreme crankiness with a bit of self-awareness. I am assured by at least one of my professors that my mature student perspective (and sass) is welcome and necessary so maybe the situation isn't as bad as I think it is. But maybe for the welfare of my fellow students I should try a meditation class or something.
I find it interesting that your "grumpy old man" behaviour is occuring during January. Back when I was in university I was notoriously moody and jaded in January. Perhaps it was a combination of coming off a 2-3 week hiatus from school, knowing that you still had 4 months of school related stress coming your way, and just the simple fact that January is a crappy, cold and depressing month in general. I'm confident that you will pass through this phase quickly and once again become inspired.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I hope it's a passing phase too. I don't mind being sassy and contrarian but I'd like to find a way to do it without feeling like such a dick.
DeleteI have found myself in a place in life where I have used the phrase "teenagers these days". I feel your crankiness.
ReplyDeleteLook on the bright side, at least you know you are NOT turning into your Mother.
ReplyDelete